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House Rules: A Memoir, by Rachel Sontag
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A memoir of a father obsessed with control and the daughter who fights his suffocating grasp, House Rules explores the complexities of their compelling and destructive relationship as Rachel fights to escape, and, later, to make sense of what remains of her family.
- Sales Rank: #1164144 in Books
- Brand: Sontag, Rachel
- Published on: 2009-03-24
- Released on: 2009-03-24
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.00" h x .65" w x 5.31" l, .47 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 288 pages
From Publishers Weekly
Sontag, a doctor's daughter, grew up in a family that seemed every bit the normal, suburban ideal. She and her sister were raised to value book smarts as well as worldly experience. What those outside of the family didn't know was that the reason Sontag was so accomplished and committed to her extracurricular activities was that she would've done anything to get away from her father, Stephen. By enforcing a peculiar system of rules and consequences, he micromanaged every moment of her life, tape-recording her conversations, measuring the length of her fingernails and locking all the phones in a safe when he left the house. When Sontag broke the rules, regardless of circumstance, he would verbally abuse her for hours, dictating letters of apology from her to him (I am a selfish, rotten, worthless brat, etc.). Sontag's mother, Ellen, reneged on plans to divorce him for years, perhaps partly because Stephen prescribed her into complacency with lithium. In adulthood, Sontag found herself caught in self-defeating patterns that smacked of her father's thrall. Struggling to break free, she even resorted to homelessness before finally severing her relationship with Stephen. Sontag's is a brave account, not only of what it's like to take the brunt of an abusive parent's wrath, but of what it means to have the courage to leave. (Apr.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
From School Library Journal
Adult/High School—Viewed from the outside, Sontag's Illinois childhood was stereotypically American upper middle class—a physician father, social-worker mother, two girls, a house with a yard and a dog. Behind that facade, Sontag says, was a dysfunctional family ruled by a man who consistently berated, humiliated, and bullied his children and his wife. Particularly onerous were the "middle of the night" sessions, wherein Rachel was summoned downstairs for yet another recitation of her failings that ended only when she admitted to being a selfish, negligent rule-breaker. She rails against her father's obsessive and "sick" conduct, yet seems especially angry with her mother, whose weakness she finds repellent. Only by physically removing herself from the household could she begin to achieve independence, repair her self-image, and, eventually, come to terms with parents she could neither live with nor change. Some may find her self-pitying and will question her precise quotation of conversations that occurred years ago. Yet her book is a memoir; it does not pretend to be anything other than what it is: one daughter's perspective of life under a man who, in her eyes, chose to play the role of despot rather than that of loving and forgiving husband and father. Readers in similar circumstances may gain comfort from seeing the author's eventual independence.—Dori DeSpain, Fairfax County Public Library, VA
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
From Booklist
“So who’s the monster . . . your mom or your dad?” Sontag is asked during the writing of this childhood memoir. The answers are complicated, as becomes all too evident in her descriptions of the bewildering cruelty she suffered growing up. As in many abuse stories, Sontag’s parents’ public and private personae are nearly impossible to reconcile. Her father is an admired physician; her mother is trained to be a caring school social worker. At home, though, her father’s paranoia and controlling behavior are astonishing: he locks up the phones; prescribes lithium for Sontag’s mother when she speaks out; and hurls vicious insults at young Rachel for bizarre, perceived infractions of his complicated rules (“How does it feel to wake up every morning knowing that you are the scum of the earth?”). Sontag also speaks about her mother’s deeply wounding inability to protect and support her children. With riveting candor and mature insight, she explores the profound complexity of her family relationships and offers a powerful story of survival, strength, and hope. --Gillian Engberg
Most helpful customer reviews
23 of 23 people found the following review helpful.
Engaging and revealing
By KB
For those who are doubtful of the truth behind this writing, it is unfortunate that it seems that either Amazon or Rachel's father removed his review of the book. It was very telling and confirmed for me everything that she states happened to her at the hands, and mind, of her father. This book is a good read, as it is interesting and quick, since the style tends to be conversational. Three-quarters of the book involve the difficulty that Rachel endured as a child, teen, and young adult. By the last 5 chapters, she is involved in more reflection and analysis of her experiences, and what she can resolve them to be so that she can continue on with her life. This book hit home for me for I had a difficult childhood, and at times had a hard time dealing with my father who often became extremely angry and threatening. I see myself in dealing with it more like Rachel's sister Jenny, still wanting normalcy and not understanding why it couldn't occur. My experiences, however, were nothing compared to the humiliation that Rachel suffered. I think that the reason that some people (maybe her parents?) have difficulty admitting that the situation was abusive is because when we hear of abused children, we usually imagine violence, drugs, alcohol, or sex being what is behind the abuse. In addition, it is not always obvious to the outside world, which is what creates the doubters, especially if the abuser is a functional person. The fact that the family is upper middle class doesn't hurt either. For Rachel, the abuse was psychological, and no less damaging - in fact, even more so, for a person must spend years trying to change their thinking after being in a situation like this. My assessment is that Rachel needed to write this book as a catharsis and a public announcement of her childhood so that she could continue on with her life.
24 of 25 people found the following review helpful.
Father still hiding behind his professional mask
By Susan in Iowa
I've just visited the website Rachel's father set up to attempt to vindicate himself, and left a comment. I'm guessing that he won't publish it, so I'm doing so here:
This website just proves the point Rachel makes over and over in her book--that the family she grew up in was a broken shell run by parents who were seriously damaged. So she's making the whole thing up, Steven? Sue her for libel then--let's see how far you get. Deny in front of a judge and after taking an oath that you never drugged your wife into a zombie-like state or systematically and cruelly abused your kids. Anybody can produce a set of videos showing a few good times. How about your other daughter--where are the glowing testimonials from her? Or your brother and his kids? If you truly loved your daughter and had some regret over the things you had put her through, there might be some room for sympathy. But your sarcastic tone and need to still be "right" at all costs is the only thing that comes through here. Give it up, Steve--give up the act and get some help.
Here is the website: [...]
The entire site is filled with sarcasm and hostility.
It is, in a way, an even better testimonial to how damaged he is
than even the book was.
42 of 47 people found the following review helpful.
The long shadows of the terror at home
By Paul Allaer
When I saw the inner-flap of this book, I got a sense of dread, yet I also felt compelled to pick this up. Indeed, the topic of this book, namely how a control-obsessed father "ruled" this family of 4 (wife and 2 daughters) is the stuff that you simply can't make up.
In "House Rules" (272 pages) first-time author Rachel Sontag shares what it was like growing up the oldest daughter in a family where Dad for whatever reason had this impulse to control every aspect of life of his wife and 2 daughters, into the extreme, and Mom simply stood by and did very little or nothing about it. The author shares an anecdote in which Mom pretends to be going around the house to feed the dog but instead sneaks into Rachel's bedroom. "'Dad is recording your phone calls. You might want to watch what you say.' I closed my eyes for a moment, in the hopes that I was imagining her standing there in my bedroom. [...] I sat up in bed. 'DO YOU SEE IT'S SICK YOU HAVE TO TELL ME THIS?' I asked. Mom held her fingers to her lips, shut my bedroom door." Wow.... And that is just one of many, many instances that the author relays to us in this painful-to-read memoir.
The sad thing is that the author bears the psychological scars of this for the rest of her life, of course exemplified by the very fact that she feels compelled to write about it, all these years later. Indeed, in the "Acknowledgments", the author ends the book with this: "Love and thanks to my entire family. I know this subject is personal, I just didn't know how to live without sharing it". The long shadows of a very painful past...
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